You're Getting Old
by Razor Toast
Summary: Inspired by the South Park episode of the same name.
1. A New Hope, but not at all, actually

A/N: Takes place after the end of Endless Eight, when they begin their second year of school. Inspired by the South Park episode of the same name

Disclaimer: I totally own the Haruhi Suzumiya series, Kyoto Animation, and their various affiliates. Actually, I'm part of the shadowy guild that owns the entire media and entertainment industry. I make so much money off of you chumps who bought those figmas that cost me 50 yen a piece to make using slave labor. Feels good putting money in the bank.

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><p>"Oi, Haruhi. How the hell did we end up in the same class, again, in the exact same seats as we were last year?"<p>

"Stupid Kyon, the main characters in anime always get these seats so they can look out the window in a pensive manner. Now quit lampshading, and listen up. I have big plans for the Brigade this year!"

It was the beginning of the second year for the SOS Brigade. Everyone was sitting in the clubroom after school, except Nagato, who, after spending 595 years reliving the same two weeks, finally got to go buy Disgaea 4, and understandably skipped school to play it. All seemed well. Mikuru was forced into a new costume for the year, this time a magical girl, Koizumi hit on Kyon all subtle like, Kyon facepalmed, and Haruhi ruled with an iron fist, while wearing a red armband.

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><p>"This weekend, we're going somewhere different for our mystery searches. Tsuruya has graciously allowed us to go on a hiking trip on a mountain her family owns. Her family's rich right? We'll probably find something cool, like an ancient treasure haunted by the spirits of cranes. Or maybe a hidden temple where members of the Tsuruya ninja clan train to fight against their mortal enemies. Kyon, bring a shovel. You're digging. Mikuru, dress up as a shrine maiden, to appease the spirits."<p>

"A m-miko outfit? But where am I supposed to get one of those?"

"Don't worry, Mikuru-chan~ I got you covered with that. Oh, any scary spirits will fall over on the floor when they see you in a miko dress….." Haruhi started drooling.

Kyon pointed out flaws in Haruhi's speech like he had a degree in it. "Don't you think that anything interesting would have, I don't know, been found already by looters and grave robbers? And quit using Asahina-san as a tank, you wear the damned thing. Seriously, this plan is even shittier than when you wanted to make that movie."

"Quit complaining so much, Kyon! I'm giving you a penalty for being such a Debbie Downer. You're paying for everyones food when we meet up. It'll be fun, look on the bright side for once. You get to spend time outdoors with three hot girls, and one gay guy. What more could a pervert like you want?"

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><p>Half an hour later, Haruhi dragged the moeblob out of the clubroom with her to go find a miko outfit. Kyon was about to leave as well, when he was held back by Koizumi.<p>

"Kyon-kun, you should heed Suzumiya-san's speech about looking on the bright side of things for once. Only seeing the flaws in things isn't good you know."

"What's so good about getting dragged around and having to sell my kidney to pay for everyone else's food? My blood pressure rate was high enough, having to deal with Haruhi when I had two kidneys! You know how many starving African children could be fed with the amount Haruhi eats on our little excursions? Probably like over nine thousand."

"Like Suzumiya-san said, you do get to spend time outdoors with three hot girls."

"And one gay guy. You wouldn't understand how annoying it is to be in the constant company of a girl who constantly treats you like shit, despite how obvious it is to the audience that she's totally hot for you. And another girl a large majority of the audience of the audience wants you to get with, despite the fact that she has the personality of a faulty microwave, which apparently is cute. And another girl the audience hates, and you can't get with anyways because of shitty time travel rules. It's a shitter experience than it would seem from the outside."

"Well, if none of the females interest you, there's always the dark side~" Koizumi had put his hand on Kyon's thigh all subtle like.

A few seconds later, the esper was laid out on the floor by Kyon's anti-rape bat.

"Also, a creepy ass-pirate who way too much of the audience wants me to get with."

And with that, the snarker walked out of the clubroom. Koizumi went home later, and sliced off the bruise that Kyon's anti-rape bat had made, and put it in his shrine dedicated to times he had bodily contact with Kyon.

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><p>An attempt at a humorous deconstruction, if that's a thing. Leave your reviews andor death threats so that I can pay Liam Neeson to rescue my dog from the Japanese Mafia.

Updates coming whenever.


	2. NEXT SATURDAY

Oh look, it got updated. Nothing happens in this chapter. Gracias por su atención.

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><p>NEXT SATURDAY….<p>

As the previous line just said, next Saturday, the Brigade gathered at the usual train station. Kyon tried to not be there last for once, but that never works out. Haruhi was there trying to force Mikuru to change into the shrine maiden outfit in public, while Nagato stood next to Koizumi, reading. Reading a book, I mean, not Itsuki. The esper stood there, smiling. Not much to read there. By the time Kyon got there, Mikuru was halfway changed. Normally, he would have attempted to be an hero and save the time traveler while hiding a boner, but this time, he couldn't really be bothered to.

"Kyon! You're late again! How many times do I have to give you a penalty before you learn to camp out here the night before? I don't think your sister appreciates you selling her on eBay all the time to cover for my food expenses."

"It's fine, she always manages to come home within a few weeks. Unless Koizumi buys her, but I taught her how to conceal up to three anti-rape bats on her person." Kyon sat down next to a weeping Mikuru and Nagato, trying to put space between him and Itsuki. "And as much as you think you are, you aren't worth camping overnight for like a PS3."

"Pfft, people have gotten shot over me, close enough. Now go pack up all this earth moving equipment I appropriated from the Computer Club, while the rest of us go get food. Koizum-kun, help Kyon once you're done."

"With pleasure, Suzumiya-san. _Lots of pleasure, mwehehehe." _The esper's plastic smile was now of the rapist variety._ "_In fact, I'm not very hungry, I think I'll start _helping_ Kyon-kun now. It must be hard, sweaty work packing up earth moving equipment. I'm sure it would be much better if he had a partner with him~"

"Why can't I have Nagato help me, she could do it all in like, two minutes." Kyon complained like he could unlock an achievement by doing so. "And I don't want this fruit loop's help, unless he can somehow move all of it with his mind."

"Yuki like food." The alien said, following Haruhi and Mikuru to the café. And so Kyon was left to fit five diamond shovels, pickaxes, sixty four kilos of TNT, Gurren Laggan, and Unit 01with laser drill attachment into the back of a Subaru Vivio stolen from the Computer Club President's mom.

"Y'know, Kyon-kun, there _is _something I can move with my mind~.." Itsuki wrapped his arms around the pack mule. Soon after, Kyon only had to load four diamond pickaxes and one comatose body into the car, having worn one out as a makeshift anti-rape bat.

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><p>After Haruhi and Nagato emptied the local café's refrigerator in about 30 minutes, everyone piled into the car. Kyon was made the designated driver because Haruhi couldn't drive stick, Itsuki was still unconscious, Mikuru didn't trust wheels, and Nagato was banned from driving after having stated she learned to drive from torrenting a copy of <em>Gone in 60 Seconds<em>. The remade one, where Nick Cage jumps a bridge. Anyways, they all headed out on the twisty road leading to Tsuruya's private mountain.

"Kyon! Spill any of my drink with your awful driving, and I will remove your head with my hair ribbon thingies!"

"That asshole in the yellow RX-7 keeps trying to cut me off! What am I supposed to do?"

"Blow past him! I won't let you make the SOS Brigade look bad on da streetz! This car is faster anyways, just lose him in the turns ahead!" It should be mentioned that Haruhi brought her megaphone with her, and was yelling at Kyon, kicking at the front seat, sitting in the back seat, which made her a backseat super driver. Also, she wasn't wearing a seatbelt. Also, no one in the Brigade is old enough to drive anyways.

Taniguchi and Kunikida were standing on the side of the road to sell drugs and provide convenient commentary. And they were all out of drugs.

"Kunikida, what does the radar gun we got from the 187 on an undercover cop say about the cars speed?" Taniguchi asked, as the two cars drifted by at forty kilometers/ hour.

"IT'S OVER NINE THOUSAAAAND!" Kunikida roared, crushing the radar gun in his hand.

"What the fuck? No it isn't, you just wanted to make that retarded joke again. And why do you insist on breaking whatever is in your hand whenever you do that? I wanted to use that to rob a store with later." Taniguchi's face would be aptly transcribed into text as "=.=" Yes, he was wearing shutter shades.

"Sowwy."

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><p>Meanwhile, the two cars raced each other off into the sunset. Wait no, that can't be. It's only like, noon at most. There can't be a sunset. The author is just ending the chapter here because he ran out of things to write about.<p>

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><p>Leave your reviews andor flaming bags of feces so I can pay my court fees after being sued for that lame ass-disclaimer last chapter!


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